CHESTNUT HILL — It started with parking attendants directing cars like they do at Gillette Stadium, and then moved onto a scrum at the Asian hot take-away bar. There was incessant choo-chooing of an overhead train by the dairy case that drew screams from a overexcited tot named Adam. Maybe it was the mosh pit of blue hairs by the $4.99 rotisserie chickens…

So, you see, it wasn’t love at first sight for Wegmans and me. And I tried, I really did.

We’ve heard about this grocery store to end all grocery stores slated for this tony retail strip on Route 9 for at least two years. The Rochester, N.Y. supermarket chain opened its first Bay State store in Northborough in 2011 with much fanfare. However, that gargantuan groceria out in the western ‘burbs is twice the size of the newest food emporium in chi-chi Chestnut Hill Square. And can I tell you the baby Wegmans could use a little more moving around room?

Apparently, if you have an ass, the new Wegmans – measuring in at a mere 70,000 square feet — isn’t for you. So, if you must go, wear Spanx. Or stay in the car (preferably a Lexus, the official vehicle of the Chestnut Hill Weggies).

I must have said “Excuse me” at least 25 times in the hour I spent in the store wheeling around my small cart and playing dodge ‘em with marauding families shopping in packs (at 2 p.m. on Wednesday?), the AARP types gawking at what was left of a swordfish carcass and the Chronic Samplers I thought I left behind at Costco.

Look, you sample hogs, Cheese Guy and I both know you’re not going to pay $17.99 for stinky French Epoisses, but I am. So move over, Mr. Cracker Barrel and let me ask if they carry Humboldt Fog. I don’t even need to taste it. Grr.

I know you’ll be shocked. But not one person, who bumped me or blocked the egress to the spiffy digital produce scale excused herself. Yes, herself. I felt like I was in France. Où est la sortie?????

However, I did meet some nice, helpful, knowledgeable kids from Maryland, New Jersey and Pennsylvania who were sent up to Massachusetts to “open” the store. The girls in the bakery, where I bought a yummy pumpernickel raisin walnut loaf ($6.50) and a 7-Grain batard ($5) were “psyched” about their hotel breakfast, I overheard as one of them sliced the raisin pump. Apparently, the pancakes were TODIEFOR and that led me to wonder if Wegmans put up its the opening crew at the Four Seasons or IHOP.

Moving right along… the prepared food case, the battleground between Wegmans and Whole Foods, was a draw. The Whole wins on variety and aesthetics. The folks from Rochester lacked variety, however I did score some tasty kale and quinoa cakes for $2 each as well as two pieces of Chicken Parmesan ($13.64). My husband, the Chicken Parm King, declared his dinner – I added the side of cavatappi — “delicious.”

Unlike Whole Foods, Wegmans also slaps the calorie count on the label along with the ingredient list. Those kale cakes were 180 calories each (!) and Steve consumed about 500 calories of chicken parm. Do I dare tell him?

The take-away bars – the aforementioned Asian, salad, fruit, Mediterranean, etc. – had lots of choices and were popular. I managed the use of tongs at the fruit bar for six pieces of pineapple. It was a small victory until I tried to eat it in the car and the juice dribbled down my down vest. Better than that burrito I coveted but didn’t buy, I thought.

Points for the bakery department. It had LOTS of bread to choose from as well as cupcakes, muffins and other breakfast items. But, does anyone in the greater Chestnut Hill area eat an actual carb, I thought as I perused the parade of Lululemon-clad yummy mummies who just dashed in from Pilates upstairs at Equinox.

I felt bad for my bakery girls, so I bought two loaves because I’m a sucker for a bakery — even in a supermarket.

There was, to my surprise, a loose tea bar. The last time I saw one of those was at a food co-op in Lebanon, N.H. Good variety, too. I managed to scoop a blood orange tisane ($3.96) into a little bag whilst getting the hairy eyeball from the Keurig Couple beside me with their large cart with two items in it. (See ‘ass,’ above.)

The dry goods section looked like BJ’s Wholesale Club, so I didn’t bother to wade in too deep. I did see in the dairy case that the 32-ounce Wegmans Greek Vanilla Yogurt was 10 cents cheaper than the same size Chobani this week. So that was a plus. Too bad I had Brown Cow stacked up in my fridge at home…

I did not feel the need to go upstairs to the liquor store to feign interest in 3,000 bottles of wine, beer and hard stuff from around the world. My friend, Dan O’Brien, got giddy about the $6 bottles of Wegmans wine when I asked for his impressions of the store. Although the cheapo vino sounds very much like Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck, no?

It appears Wegmans is in competition with everyone. But, I’m afraid, Dan Wegman and his family are going to have to work a little harder to woo this girl back…ass willing.

Tags: #TheFoodsmith, Bakery, Cheese, chestnuthill, chestnuthillsquare, equinox, lauraraposa, seafood, wegmans