I ate at Friendly’s yesterday. It’s not that I planned to lunch at the Home of the Fribble , but there was one next door to the Midas Muffler Shop where I deposited by ancient and rather noisy Saab wagon. Besides, it was lunchtime, a steamy 90 degrees and, according to my muffler man, Friendly’s had free wi-fi.

Surprisingly, my turkey avocado burger wasn’t too bad although Friendly’s and I differ on the meaning of “served on a buttery brioche roll.” And my waitress was, well, quite Friendly. However, I think the gal’s sunny demeanor had more to do with the lack of kids in my booth. It was, after all, the last day before school opened and she had probably served her umpteenth Cheesy Mac & Frank order.

But I’ll never eat at Friendly’s again. Do let me tell you why.

First off, I, like a fool, stood in line for 20 minutes for a seat while servers ignored tables strewn with sippy cups, uneaten grilled cheese crusts and puddles of Sour Patch Sundaes. Those of us in line could have been served much faster if someone just bussed the tables. I’ve seen tables at McDonald’s on the MassPike cleared faster than at this Friendly’s.

One grizzled waitress took down a couple of names then stopped. I think she thought the rest of us would just leave. That’s seems pretty bold since the Wilbraham company is two years out of Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but what do I know?

Actually, some not-so-hearty souls – mostly the AARP crowd – flew the scene after much Sturm und Drang. And when you consider that Friendly’s offers seniors a 10 percent discount on an entree and beverage, and throws in a free sundae, well, that’s sacrifice.

Finally, a server managed to clear a few tables and I scored a booth for two. The menu reminded me of the voluminous one at the Cheesecake Factory, but when you usually frequent joints with a one- or two-page menu, Friendly’s menu can seem daunting.

The only item that held my attention was the 820-calorie Cracker Jack Sundae. Sticky caramel corn, roasted peanuts and ice cream? Pinch me. Sadly, the nutrition gods rule me these days, so I opted for the turkey burger without fries. Yawn.

While I waited for my lunch, I whipped out my iPad to knock off a few chapters of a novel. I usually eavesdrop in restaurants, but the Friendly’s folks failed to entertain me.

Then, all of a sudden, an arm reached in front of my face and across the table to the napkin dispenser along the wall. No “Excuse me,” no “May I….” A kid in his late teens needed to blow his nose, so instead of a visit to the restroom, he got out of line, crossed over to the other side of the room to my table and raided my napkins!

I thought maybe it was a move to steal my iPad. But more likely, it was a dare from one of his buddies since after Mr. Snotty honked and spewed into the nicked napkins, he returned to the line. Jerk.

I was stunned. My Inside Track partner Gayle and I used to joke that I was invisible after the many times on the job I was walked into or I had to swerve to avoid a full-frontal collision. But this brazen napkin napping was a new low. And instead of a good whack on the arm or a call for security (was there even a manager?), I settled for my trademark look of disgust-slash-outrage that has served me well in the past and wouldn’t get me arrested for assault.

Of course since then I’ve thought of a million things I could have done a la George Constanza in “Seinfeld.” Remember the “Jerk Store” episode?

I felt defeated by the whole Friendly’s experience. Instead, I ate the turkey patty, picked at the cole slaw and asked my waitress to put my iced tea in a to-go cup.

“I absolutely can do that,” said the eager-to-please sunny server. (Seriously. That’s verbatim.)

I paid my bill but hesitated to leave the cash tip on the table. Now that I was armed with knowledge that someone from the line by the door wouldn’t hesitate to come over to swipe a napkin –- never mind cash — I sought out my waitress by the beverage dispenser to hand over $4. The tip included an extra buck as a reward for working in the place. God bless her.

I power-walked (yes, in that heat) away from Friendly’s back to the sanctuary of the Midas waiting area where I was the only customer. I took a seat away from the door — not that it made a difference – and looked longingly at Starbucks across busy Route 53 where the napkins are too scratchy for nose blowing…

 

 

Tags: backtoschool, CrackerJackSundae, familyrestaurants, Fribble, Friendlys, georgecostanza, getthemidastouch, iPad, Midas, MidasMuffler, restaurants, seinfeld, Starbucks, thejerkstore, TurkeyAvocadoBurger